Grievances

Dear Lovebug,

I love you more than I could ever describe in words. However, I do have a small list of grievances. If you could kindly review the following and get back to me on how you will address them, I'll be forever grateful.

1) Let's talk colic: Is it really necessary to scream for hours on end every night? Couldn't you find a way to tell me what you need? You've got me wrapped around your finger after all, especially after, oh, an hour of screaming. If you're looking for a Mai Tai on a white sand beach in Mexico-I can get it for you, just scream the word. Or maybe that's just what I'm needing these days...

2) The crib. I promise it's not as scary as you think. And while having you asleep in my arms all night is heavenly, you weighed in at the 97Th percentile at your last doctor appointment. It's becoming quite the upper arm workout to hold you all day and night. We both know how I feel about working out. How about you tough it out in the crib and I'll buy you a pony for your next birthday?

3) While we're on the topic of sleep-how about you give it a whirl? Sometime before midnight would be just super.

4) Eating. I am aware that it's necessary in order to sustain life. But do you have to do it so often? I bet the longer you wait, the better the milk would taste, kinda like wine. :)

5) I used to have hobbies, free time, friends, body parts that didn't constantly leak, clothes that fit properly and weren't covered in spit up, and a clutter free home (do you really need this much stuff to survive?). I realize it's not all your fault, but if you could allow me the time to get any of that back....say enough free time to shower for longer than 2.5 minutes or the time to eat a full meal with your father, uninterrupted, I'd let you skip out on ever having to attend school during the month of May. Promise.

Thank you for taking the time to review the above grievances. Again, your prompt attention to the matters at hand will be greatly appreciated.

Love you more than you know,

Mommy

Dear Mommy,

I've reviewed your list of grievances and have formulated a response. You'll find it in the previously clean diaper you put me in just two minutes ago.

Love,

Your Lovebug

PS I will still insist on that pony for my next birthday.